2-14-22 It’s now been 3 weeks since we said good-bye to Brenna, a beloved 4-legged member of our family. Stew’s mom seems to be declining rapidly and might not be with us for too much longer, although she actually withdrew from life quite a while ago, so it feels like in many ways we have lost her already. I had a long conversation yesterday with a dear friend whose husband has dementia and she’s had to constantly make adjustments as she keeps losing pieces of him. Life is so darn precious! I will continue to do everything I can to not take it for granted so I can stay present with it’s joys, it’s gifts, and to the love and support all around me - so much can be gone in an instant.

I wrote the following and thought it was worthy of a share, or at least allowing me completion with my grief and saying good-bye to Brenna.

I asked, “What has Brenna taught me?” And this is some of what I came up with:

---To always engage in a perfect balance between being and doing…to put all my energy and passion behind everything I do and enjoy it to the max, and when it’s down time to let myself accept that and absolutely relax into it

---Don’t get stale…keep learning and trying out new ways…just because I’ve done something my whole life doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. There’s no reason to be bored…give myself over to life wholeheartedly…there’s always a fun way to engage and have fun, even when no one else is around

---When something is happening I’m not crazy about, if I go with the flow I get to the fun part a whole lot quicker

---Remember everyone is doing the best they can…there’s only grudges to hold when I choose to hold them. It feels much better to cuddle and be cuddled...to love and let myself be loved

---and finally, just because I’m alpha, doesn’t mean that I know everything

1-21-22 This story is dedicated to my beloved Brenna who never needed to be reminded of any of the following.

I’ve been with quite a few folks lately who shared they were thinking they’re not enough. The conversations all ran in the same direction, “If I had only done _____ then I could have fixed my _____(child’s, spouse’s, friend’s, etc,)  problem or _______ wouldn’t have happened. Sound familiar? Do you ever play that game with yourself? For me lately, friendships have been strained by Covid and for other reasons. My heart understands things are tough for everyone these days, but my mind still jumps right to my childhood and the pain of being left behind by my friends. I ached then with thoughts like, “why don’t they like me? What did I do wrong?” which translates into my present-day adult self sometimes thinking I’m not enough. Sadly, my childhood self didn’t have the tools to figure out how to work out the sometimes complicated, messy, and sticky stuff that can be involved in relationships. All I could do was feel bad and blame it all on myself. Perhaps this is all true for you as well.

Happily, my adult self has learned that I am more than enough! I also know that I have a habit of making what happens mean something that isn’t necessarily true and usually has nothing to do with me. (I am a big advocate of taking responsibility for my part in things, so that last statement involves a lot of self-inquiry to ascertain, but that’s a different story, one I’m sure I’ve written about here before). I am also quite capable now of wrapping my big-girl-self arms around myself and enfolding that little girl that still lives within me. I can then tell myself all the things no one else told me when I was younger that can help me heal in the present. The trick – and this is big – is that as I tell myself how wonderful I am, despite what I couldn’t fix or do, despite whatever happened, I also must be willing to listen. And believe it.

We all have many broken pieces of self within us. But the good news is that when we reside in our heart, our place of truest strength and wisdom, we have the ability to heal and re-create our present story, and therefore change our perceptions of our past and our future to see things, and ourself, from a more empowered place.

I know that New Years was 22 days ago but you can still make an intention to stand in your bigness in more of your 2022 moments. And don’t stop there - I make that intention daily, and in fact, I have to re-make the intention constantly throughout my day because I forget. I have a saying that it’s OK to forget…as long as I remember. And I will continue to make the intention for my bigness with each new year for the rest of my life.